11:30 PM / 11 August

I Am Only by Fariq Said

Why does it have to be this way.
Or did I make things hard for myself again
Am I an idealist.
Or am I an idiot

Am I the only one who thinks this way
Or did I just lose myself in my thoughts
Losing myself
In an instance

Do I fight for a future
That I am still uncertain of
When nothing seems real
When nothing feels real

We fight we try to live
To keep moving forward
I try to breathe
But life just keeps cutting me off

Am I a hypocrite
For wanting so much
And wanting to do it all on my own
Am I a coward

Where did I let my conscience go
Or maybe I sold my soul
To my dreams
To my useless aspirations

I live my life for myself
And those that I choose to keep around me
So please God help me remember
Should I choose to forget
That very principle
That keeps me alive

I am only still human
But I am still me

---

I got my PMA back. No living in the dark days for me. 2 days in it and I'm already out. And I finally get inspiration to write. I'm gonna turn those words up there into a freaking rocking all out hardcore song. I already got it in my head. It's gonna be intense. Like Comeback Kid intense.

P.S. I got a new life goal. That's to go make an Irish friend. Irish people are just so freaking cool. So is Celtic culture.

8:46 PM / 10 August

You know, I don't really know who reads this thing anymore. But since I wanna share without really letting too many people know, I'll just put this here.

You see, I've always been so sure of things. So sure of my abilities, my interests, myself most importantly. But recently I've just been feeling a bit jaded. All those sureties I had seem non-existent. Suddenly the fact that I did well for Poly means nothing to me. It's kinda hard to explain. Maybe I'm lost. Or maybe I lost myself somewhere.

Maybe it's this super long holiday that I have. A holiday I needed so bad but something that should have ended end of May. I was so sure I'd be in NS right now. But then stuff happens. And I just got stumped. As time wore on I kept wondering. What do I want to do with my life? I like the business world and I don't mind a shot at the IT industry. But I just keep on wondering about my life should I choose anyone of them. I've been through so much shit the last few years. So much negativity I threw out. A new outlook on life. And now I find myself getting pulled back in to that same negativity I had a year ago. And I'm afraid it might happen again in the future.

I'm actually seriously considering running away to some beat-up gym in the US and training to be a prize-fighter. Make it on my own. Alone.

But then I'll be letting so many people down. My family. My friends. And I can't let that happen. My happiness is bound to how my friends and family feel. It's what I care about the most. Leaving them is not something I want to do unless they are all really happy with it.

Had lunch today with Lisda, Nadh and Aqilah. Somehow it got into a serious conversation about what I'm gonna do in the future. And suddenly more questions popped up in my head. And Nadh really called my bluff about what exactly would make me happy. And it made me think.

Do I fight for what I have now? For my friends, my family. Or do I fight for a future which I myself am still uncertain of?

I seriously need to get this out of my system fast. I've had totally no negativity for a whole year. And to get so much rushing back into my head again, it's seriously messing with my head.

So after I got back today, I tried to sort this problem off a little bit and I've at least come to this little conclusion.

Whatever it is, I've decided to go to SMU. It's close enough for me and I got a direct bus. I hate to travel long distances especially if I'm doing it everyday. It's a good enough risk I believe. And I never liked top ranked. Especially in Singapore. Same reason I went to Poly instead of JC. Underdogs rule.

One more thing I've decided is that no matter what, I'll try to join an MMA gym. I'll take the shittiest one available. I've still gotta live my dream a bit don't I? And it's a good way to keep fit too.

Last thing, I'm still gonna go on holiday after I get done with NS.

Now, for the other 200 questions still rolling around in my head about my future...

10:13 PM / 26 July

Who says weddings need to be serious affairs?



I mean seriously? Haha

10:23 PM / 16 July

Saw this Nat Geo documentary on YouTube about Straight Edge. For those who don't know, Straight Edge is a lifestyle that grew out of the hardcore and punk scene. It advocates a poison-free lifestyle. No smokes, no alcohol, no drugs. It started out as sort of a positive lifestyle for the scenesters back then and still is today. But as with any movement, there will always be the people who think they are homo superior and get violent. This documentary explores all those aspects of Straight Edge.











And by the way, I'm not militant in anyway. I don't beat up any of my friends who smoke or drink. I respect their decisions enough to know that I don't need to mess in their business. But don't let me catch you drunk out of your mind. Cause I know alcohol numbs the nerves enough to take several blows and I'm a bit of a science guy so I might use your face as an experiment.

5:43 PM / 25 June

Empty is the sky before the sun wakes up
Empty are the eyes of animal in cages
Empty, the faces of women in mourning
When everything's been taken from them

Me?
Don't ask me about empty.

1:49 AM / 21 June

Today was one of those days. That day being the 20th of June on a Saturday. You know. Everyone has one of those days. Those days where you realize that God is messing with you. Not in a bad way though.

You see, I have this belief that even if God is all powerful and all knowing, He still has a funny side in Him. Anytime something weird happens to me that I can't understand I always look up and wonder if God's playing a joke. I mean, what are the odds that He has a funny side? And I guess today He reminded me that He still has it.

You see, I've been in a bit of a financial pickle lately. Had to pay a bill on the 20th or else my line would get cut. I was trying to come up with the money that day. I was 20 bucks short. Not that I was taking it seriously. But then stuff happened that made me look up and wonder if God was messing with me again.

Firstly, I was at Adidas Suntec with Kelvin. He was paying for stuff. While waiting for the cashier I was chatting with him. I suddenly realized that in between us on the counter was a dope looking Samsung phone. I was like damn. For fear of getting charged Kelvin decided to ignore it. So I ended up getting all noble and stuff and passed it to the sales guy.

Next, I was walking outside Raffles Shopping Centre with Kel. Saw a few kids helping out with Flag Day. I didn't realize it was for the Special Olympics. I would have donated if I had known. So anyways, the kids were asking these 2 white guys to donate. They did and as one of the guys was putting stuff into his pocket, a crumpled 10 dollar note dropped out. I didn't realize what it was until I got closer. Again I realized the situation and did the noble thing by bumping a few people out of the way and retrieving the 10 dollar note to pass to the guy. I hope it really was that guy's 10 bucks. I'll be damned if I was wrong. But I just did what my eyes interpreted.

This post was not too make myself look good or anything. Nor is it a lie. Ask Kelvin and he'll vouch for me. What I realized on this day was that I almost forgot about the weird relationship I had with a certain Guy sitting in the clouds. So I looked to the sky and said, 'Dammit, you got me again. That was a nice one God.'

----------------
Now playing: Mastodon - Oblivion
via FoxyTunes

9:39 PM / 28 May

Hmmm.....

So yeah. I graduated. With Merit. Diploma in Business Informatics. What now? Have I made it yet? Am I a made man?

Seems a little early for that question to be asked aye? But I think it's a good question to ask oneself. Every single milestone, be it me graduating, me completing NS or maybe even the birth of my child. I will ask myself that very question. And I know, every single time, I will tell myself no. Or maybe until I can make sure I can take care of my family and friends. 'Cause truthfully, that's all I ever care about. Make my mom and dad proud of me. To be respected among my friends. And keep myself happy. That's all.

Maybe I shoulda taken more pictures. Maybe. But it's not like I care. Best memories are the ones in my head.

Only downside was maybe the fact that my brother was not around. But he's doing more important things like getting his degree in Tasmania. Come back quick! We're gonna take graduation photos of us in bodybuilding poses! Haha.

5:12 PM / 10 May

I learnt an important thing yesterday night. I was having supper with my dad and we spent the time talking about his bachelor years. From his first attempts at finding a job to his life in the army. The dilemma he had when he had to choose between Malaysia and Singapore during the separation.

On the way back, he told me something that made a lot of sense. His dad, my late grandfather, always told him "Kalau tak ada duit, nak pergi dari sini ke Geylang pun jauh. Tapi kalau ada duit, nak pergi dari sini ke Penang pun dekat." Translated it means, "When we have no money, to travel just to Geylang would be far. With money however, even Penang is near."

Not to be money-minded or anything, but this actually makes a lot of sense. As much as I try not to be a paper chaser and money maker, we will continuously need money. It's just the nature of it. Okay, now someone gimme a job.

1:58 AM / 3 May

New H2O vid for their song 'Nothing To Prove' off of their album of the same name.

Me and all my friends we got nothing to prove, nothing to lose!
You know us and what we achieved
From the streets of L.E.S to your TV!
Many have come, and many will go, but 20 years later
Who's still runnin' the show
Hard times have come our way, we held it down and kept the PMA!
With only one voice we have more to say - still mentally vexed
TCOB!!

---

Feels good to listen to some NYC hardcore. I really hope to reach a point in my life when I literally have nothing to prove to other people. Just to those around me. And to just be happy. That's what I've been doin lately. See the 3 letters 'PMA' up there? Means 'Positive Mental Attitude'. Can't be straightedge and not keep the PMA now can I?

I'm straightedge. PMA for life.

1:35 AM / 30 April

I don't know what it is. But, I'm just not sold on the story of Susan Boyle. No offence to her, but why is she suddenly an example of talent over looks? Maybe it's cause I've been watching Britain's Got Talent since 2 seasons ago. I mean, doesn't anyone know about Paul Potts?



This guy won 2 seasons ago.

Or how 'bout this kid from last season? Andrew Johnston.

This guy got into the finals. Top 3 if I remember correctly.

It's not that I'm hating on Susan Boyle. She IS a good singer. Maybe it's cause I've been watching a lot of BGT, but I'm not really that astonished at her talent. I've seen the last 2 seasons and the British are mighty talented. One season's worth of talent could wipe off all the seasons' worth of talent found on America's Got Talent.

The act that I want to win is this little act called 'Stavros Flatley'. It's a parody on dancer Micheal Flatley. I can't get the embeddable video but here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Tu0PAbW75A It's the funniest thing I've seen on the show and damn he got those Flatley mannerisms down right.

12:19 AM / 26 April

So yeah. I got into SCDF. Enlisting on the 6th of October. Alhamdullilah. It's after Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Means I don't need to fast during BRT.

I'm very happy I got into the Home Team. If I ever had the choice, I never want to join the army. It's just not me. I'm not a preacher of war. And even more so in Singapore, I'd rather be in the Police or the Civil Defence. 'Cause to be honest, no offence to the Singapore Armed Forces, we either go to war and get run over, or we don't go to war at all. I don't want to say anything else.

But the most improtant thing to me, is being active. I want to use the skills I learned to actually help lives. Not sit around and just be on standby til I ROD.

I wanna be a paramedic if that's possible. I could actually save lives. Like daily. Like a superhero. But then again. I won't be the only one.

All in all, I'm just thankful. I have been given this opprotunity. After consigning myself to 6 months in the SAF, I am genuinely happy that I'm going to the SCDF.

Paramedic. This vid below kinda makes me wanna be one.

I'm not sure what's worse
The waiting or the waiting room
"You're next sir" becomes a cruel taunt to you
recycled air, the smell of sleep and disinfectant
Your God is a two door elevator

Do they even cure you
(cut me open drug me)
Or is it just to humor us before we die
(repair all my defects)
If only we could heal ourselves
We wouldn't.. need to be hooked up to these machines

Whoa whoa whoa...

Let's redefine (6x)
What it means to heal

Do they even cure you
(cut me open drug me)
Or is it just to humor us before we die
(repair all my defects)
If Only we could heal ourselves
We wouldn't.. need to be hooked up to these machines

Whoa whoa whoa...

7:38 PM / 23 April

Instructional video for Protest The Hero's Bloodmeat. This has been out pretty much since around the release of the album.

I realized after watching this vid was that the song is actually quite easy to play after it's all broken down. Not that I can play the whole song anyway. I managed to learn the full rhythm sections. I can go through the whole song looking like I can actually play it. All the tapping stuff I can play, only slowly though. Though I haven't managed to play it with like a proper setup yet.

The tabs can be found here: http://dl.guitarworld.com/pdf/GW0708%20bloodmeat.pdf

1:01 AM / 18 April

It's 1am. I'm feeling a little political.

There is a high chance that President Obama may fail in the White House. For as much as he can say he wants to change things, he will not get things done unless the people of America change themselves.

Not that I am against President Obama. But as I said before, with such a big problem looming over the head of such an untested politician, if he doesn't manage to pull things off, the failure will be perceived to be twice as large as the problem was in the first.

Those two paragraphs above struck me when I remebered how much media interest there is in his presidency. Not since JFK has there been this much media scrutiny in the life of a president. From the First Lady's fashion to their dog, there's a lot of eyes on them. 

And so fitting that it was JFK who said, "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country". But do the people remember?

Less than a week in office and people were already dismayed at his progress. Because he promised change. But because he made change such a big issue that people perceive the change to be big. That's why I believe the people will perceive the failure to be bigger than the issue. They won't see the things that he has set in motion to be the change that they need in the future.

All I got to say is good luck President Obama. You'll need it.

P.S. I know this is a bit late, but I forgot about it. Was supposed to have posted this after inauguration but it got locked in the back of my head with skool and what not.

1:02 PM / 9 April

If there was ever a need for me to define this year in song, I'd totally have to say it would be Superhero by Bane. It's just a song that makes so much sense.

Superhero by Bane

She rolls her eyes
And lights another
"One day i'll quit these things,
They're killing me."
She blows her brains
Right out her fucking mouth
I just don't know how you do it

Well, there is nothing in me
That you don't have
Deep within your fucking self
Well, there is nothing in me
That you do not have
Deep within your fucking self

Yes, the body is weak
But the mind is stronger
It controls the body
You are not a slave.

And i am not a superhero!

You see, the difference between hard and impossible
Well, it's a thousand miles wide
But that's not what you want to hear.
Don't live a lifetime of regret.
Is there a moment of uncomfort
Never knowing, no, no, never knowing

How great it feels to be free

This year I've been tuning in to a lot of NYC Hardcore. Bane are one of the few new bands keeping the scene alive and fresh. All their members are straightedge. But I guess their musical agenda doesn't solely focus on sXe values. Though this song has elements of that. But it does in itself make a lot of sense both sXe or otherwise.

The message in this song has a line that I think everyone should live by. "Yes, the body is weak, but the mind is strong. And it controls the body you are not a slave". Knowing all the crap I'm gonna go through soon, those words make a lot of sense to me.

Why can't moshes in Singapore be like this? No kicking and flailing. Just all out togetherness and chaos. Screaming the words that you chose to live by.

I'm straightedge. And I'm in it for life. xXx

3:42 AM / 10 March

Been playing A LOT of World of Warcraft lately. Or WoW as I like to call it.

Here's an interesting fact: Taurens don't become Rogues because they find the methods of the Rogues dishonorable. Plus, it's hard to be stealthy when you have hooves. ROFL

Okay, for those who don't know, Taurens are a race of creatures in WoW with the features of a cow or a bull. Essentially they are cattle on 2 feet or 2 gigantic hooves for that matter. Rogues are a class of heroes in WoW which are sorta like an assassin. Thus the joke. Haha

P.S. Levelling up would be a bitch if I were playing the normal Blizzard WoW server...

8:00 AM / 5 March

I've realized something these past few days. 

I'm not afraid of dying. 

What I am afraid of though, is that there is nothing at the end.

Think about it, we count 'til the millions but we barely live past 100. But then, think about it again. We've come so far, yet (for me at least) it's only been 19 years. Still got a long way to go. But how we wish we had more.

11:58 PM / 27 February

I read something in today's edition of the New Paper that really peeved me. They did this article about this Singaporean who wrote a few novels and published them by himself. He is self-proclaimed to be one of Singapore's more popular writers. The article highlighted a few language 'bloopers' as they call it in his novel.

Wait. What? Language bloopers. Isn't there supposed to be an editor for that kind of shit? Not even spellcheck? Not even a darn animated paper-clip? Well I guess he turned it off. For those who didn't read this article here's a sampler.

"By then, O-Levels was cornering."

Well, I'd hate to be passenger in that car.

"She might not have the prettiest face in the world, but her figure tumbled over everything.'

She may not be pretty, but damn, ain't she the clumsy one.

"Her breathings were so deep that her chest was shuddering up and down with every breath."

OMG. I do not know what to say....

You know what the best part was? This guy got C5 for O-level English. I guessed his O-level paper cornered right into him I guess. *Shakes head*. 

Okay, maybe the O-levels may not necessarily be the exact barometer with which we should judge one's laguage capabilities. But it certainly does not help your credentials when you almost failed what I believe should be a no-brainer paper.

What really peeved me though was how non-chalant his attitude towards a writer's need to have a good command of the language to tell a story. 

In his words: "Language is not so important, I'm trying to tell a story."

C'mon. Really?! Well, if your intended stories revolved around love stories and tragedy which have exam papers who drive then all the more to ya'. But it's not. 

You know what placed the final nail in his coffin? He said "Frankly, I don't feel responsible if they pick up such language."

God. If I see this guy, I will slap him so hard that his face would fall off. Argh. I hate it when people have such a non-chalant attitude towards stuff. And I think people who know me will know how much of a "Speak Proper English Advocate" I am. So that made me doubly pissed.

Let me put it in perspective. You are a writer, or a novelist for lack of a better term. You intend to tell a story. You use words and your skills as a word-smith to make that story come to fruition. Similar to how a carpenter with the intention to build a table would use his tools and his skill as a craftsman to build this table. You don't expect this carpenter to create a table which has incomplete carvings and a table leg two inches shorter than the others. If he does do so, he should take responsibility for his mistakes because his lack of skill has become a bad investment for someone.

I know this guy has hired a proper publishing company to get his language together, but his attitude and irresponsibility really pissed me off. Is this what Singaporeans are becoming? Non-chalant, irresponsible and out to make a quick buck? Argh. At times I wish there was no such thing as nationalities. I hate that people would think that just because I'm Singaporean I'd have certain characteristics not applicable to me.

Anyway, I'm not gonna name this guy. I'd hate to get charged with slander. This guy managed to make some good cash selling his darn books so I guess if he wanted to make another quick buck he'd sue me for my wallet. Go read the 27th February edition of the New Paper if you wanna find out more.

1:30 AM / 21 February

If there's one thing I hate is doing something that didn't really need to be done in the first place. Like, cutting my hair. And it was just starting to grow right. Though it did smell like barbecue a good coupla months after the said barbecue happened.

---

I don't know what it is. I listen to these 2 bands. I like their music like crazy. They both have female instrumentalists and vocalists. I gush over how good the girls look. I like the music too. The music is different. But...Something dumb happens and the girl gets kicked out of the band. And to remain faithful, their bassist boyfriends leave the band too. Then the whole band just loses their uniqueness 'cause they are missing not only the female vocals, but also an instrumentalist that made the band different.

Case in point. I Am Ghost. Kerith was their backup vocalist and violinist. Violin. You know how many rock bands have a violin and make it sound good. And I'm not talking about stuff like Flogging Molly or any other Celtic Punk band. They play more like a fiddle-ish thing. I'm talking about using classical-based violin licks. It sounded like a symphony instead of a rock album. It was different. Then some mix-up between the beliefs of separate band members led to Kerith and the bassist, Brian, leaving the band. Now they just sound like another band from the scene. Still good, but not as noteworthy.

Next is 1997. An indie-ish sounding band. Played keyboards and xylophone depending on what was needed. She also featured prominently in terms of vocals. This was the first band that I actually liked that did not play music that was fast, heavy or overly oratorical. Just easy listening. Then, I guess some lack of understanding or what resulted in the band asking Alida to leave. Haven't heard any new material from the band since though something is slated for release. But she was such a good-looker and she had a great voice. Why'd she have to go.... *sulks*

I guess you can't have too much of a good thing.

1.00 PM / 15 February

So here I am. Pondering about my future again. For those who don't know, I just graduated on Friday. Last day at the office you could say. Then I had to rush all the way down to the airport 'cause my brother was gonna fly off to Tasmania to study. He's gunning for a Degree in Contemporary Arts. It's only for a year but still I can't help but feel sad when he passed through the gates. I guess it's sort of a culmination of him getting his life on track. What really made me sad when he left was that he wouldn't be at my graduation. But to be frank, I actually haven't seen him graduate myself. He has 3 separate diplomas and the only one that I can remember was when he graduated from SP and had to get onto the stage with his crutches 'cause he was recovering from knee surgery. The other 2 times he simply ditched the ceremonies and had the institutions mail his diplomas to him. Hell of a guy I tell you.

I had a major reality check on my last day at work. I was looking though the average grades for those accepted into uni and got really worried when I saw the one for NTU's Bachelor in Business. It's around 3.6 and my GPA is still hovering around 3.5. I hope I did well for this last semester. Oh God please help me.

Oh yeah, did I mention that my attachment place asked me to stay on but I rejected their offer?

8:22 PM / 8 February

For Everything's A Reason Within Itself (FEAR Within Itself)

Maybe it's fear

That made me who I am today

Maybe it's fear

That made me this way

Maybe it's fear

That always holds me back

Maybe it's fear

That makes me hold back

Maybe it's fear

That made me want to take my life

Maybe it's fear

That kept me alive

Maybe it's fear

That will make me who I am

Maybe it's fear

That's why I don't give a damn

For fear will always take us

One way or another

Because every choice

Will always be its own blunder

---

I don't know why, but sometimes I find my darkest thoughts in the happiest of times. Maybe I'm a pessimist? 

Anyway. What I really wanted to convey with the written words above is that fear is an ever-present thing. And when these fears lead to choices, anything we choose will be its own mistake. Which is why everything we do comes with its own set of regrets. Give it a thought.