5 March / 11.25 PM

I really don't know what to do now. I don't know if I can save the situation. It seems like everything i love and care for is being taken away from me. Just when I think I have found my faith it seems like I'm losing everything else. Is this life? is this how it was meant to be. I may seem strong but emotionally I bruise easily. Only this time, I feel like I'm going to be ripped to shreds.

Why me? Why? I know I've done some bad things that no one knows about. A secret betwen me and myself. But I try to change. I really do. It's hard to break bad habits they say. But what if it was the worst habit? No one knows about it and because of that no one seems to care. Now as I slowly try to change, my world changes like light.

I sit here thinking, 'Is this what was really meant for me?'.

It's so hard being so young yet having to think so far ahead of me I don't even know what's ahead of me. I try to scream. But I know no one will hear it. Am I going crazy? Is this just delusional thinking?

To see things so close yet so far apart makes my heart tear apart. I'm standing on glass. If everything around me falls apart, I'll fall straight down with them. Gone into the darkness. It's fitting knowing what I feel like deep beneath the surface.

No one knows what goes inside my head. Should they know? Should I tell them?

I'm worried. Not for myself but for those around me. Those close to me. At times I just feel so alone that even the emptiness seems to want to distance itself from me. It just leaves me in a vaccuum filled with all my thoughts.

It's like seeing a piece of metal fall and break like glass. It's supposed to hold, but somehow beneath all that it just crumbles.

I'd give anything and everything just to have things back the way they were. All that I own. All that I am. All that I will be is here.

Am I the cause of all of this?

Am I the problem?

Am I the odd man out?

Am I nothing?

I know I am capable of everything. But somehow at the end of it all, I may just become nothing.

This is not random. It's the truth.