9:17 PM / 31 August

Hmmm. I was looking through some of my old files. And I found the websites that I did for my attachment. I'm quite surprised at what I managed to do in my 3 months there. And it seems quite weird that there's something out there with my hard work written all over it.

Anyway, here is the list of websites that I did or helped out on:
D'Feringghi Budget Resort
CityHub Hotel
Bali Sentosa
Corus KL
Royal Plaza on Scotts

These are the main few that I spent most of my time on. There were a lot of others that I helped out with though a lot of them I can barely remember. The ones that I did from scratch is mainly D'Feringghi and CityHub, though CityHub sorta caused a bit of problems. They were very picky with the design. But oh well. I finished my job anyway. A few others I did from scratch are still not up yet. I guess the devil's in the details. Hehe.

11:30 PM / 11 August

I Am Only by Fariq Said

Why does it have to be this way.
Or did I make things hard for myself again
Am I an idealist.
Or am I an idiot

Am I the only one who thinks this way
Or did I just lose myself in my thoughts
Losing myself
In an instance

Do I fight for a future
That I am still uncertain of
When nothing seems real
When nothing feels real

We fight we try to live
To keep moving forward
I try to breathe
But life just keeps cutting me off

Am I a hypocrite
For wanting so much
And wanting to do it all on my own
Am I a coward

Where did I let my conscience go
Or maybe I sold my soul
To my dreams
To my useless aspirations

I live my life for myself
And those that I choose to keep around me
So please God help me remember
Should I choose to forget
That very principle
That keeps me alive

I am only still human
But I am still me

---

I got my PMA back. No living in the dark days for me. 2 days in it and I'm already out. And I finally get inspiration to write. I'm gonna turn those words up there into a freaking rocking all out hardcore song. I already got it in my head. It's gonna be intense. Like Comeback Kid intense.

P.S. I got a new life goal. That's to go make an Irish friend. Irish people are just so freaking cool. So is Celtic culture.

8:46 PM / 10 August

You know, I don't really know who reads this thing anymore. But since I wanna share without really letting too many people know, I'll just put this here.

You see, I've always been so sure of things. So sure of my abilities, my interests, myself most importantly. But recently I've just been feeling a bit jaded. All those sureties I had seem non-existent. Suddenly the fact that I did well for Poly means nothing to me. It's kinda hard to explain. Maybe I'm lost. Or maybe I lost myself somewhere.

Maybe it's this super long holiday that I have. A holiday I needed so bad but something that should have ended end of May. I was so sure I'd be in NS right now. But then stuff happens. And I just got stumped. As time wore on I kept wondering. What do I want to do with my life? I like the business world and I don't mind a shot at the IT industry. But I just keep on wondering about my life should I choose anyone of them. I've been through so much shit the last few years. So much negativity I threw out. A new outlook on life. And now I find myself getting pulled back in to that same negativity I had a year ago. And I'm afraid it might happen again in the future.

I'm actually seriously considering running away to some beat-up gym in the US and training to be a prize-fighter. Make it on my own. Alone.

But then I'll be letting so many people down. My family. My friends. And I can't let that happen. My happiness is bound to how my friends and family feel. It's what I care about the most. Leaving them is not something I want to do unless they are all really happy with it.

Had lunch today with Lisda, Nadh and Aqilah. Somehow it got into a serious conversation about what I'm gonna do in the future. And suddenly more questions popped up in my head. And Nadh really called my bluff about what exactly would make me happy. And it made me think.

Do I fight for what I have now? For my friends, my family. Or do I fight for a future which I myself am still uncertain of?

I seriously need to get this out of my system fast. I've had totally no negativity for a whole year. And to get so much rushing back into my head again, it's seriously messing with my head.

So after I got back today, I tried to sort this problem off a little bit and I've at least come to this little conclusion.

Whatever it is, I've decided to go to SMU. It's close enough for me and I got a direct bus. I hate to travel long distances especially if I'm doing it everyday. It's a good enough risk I believe. And I never liked top ranked. Especially in Singapore. Same reason I went to Poly instead of JC. Underdogs rule.

One more thing I've decided is that no matter what, I'll try to join an MMA gym. I'll take the shittiest one available. I've still gotta live my dream a bit don't I? And it's a good way to keep fit too.

Last thing, I'm still gonna go on holiday after I get done with NS.

Now, for the other 200 questions still rolling around in my head about my future...