8:46 PM / 10 August

You know, I don't really know who reads this thing anymore. But since I wanna share without really letting too many people know, I'll just put this here.

You see, I've always been so sure of things. So sure of my abilities, my interests, myself most importantly. But recently I've just been feeling a bit jaded. All those sureties I had seem non-existent. Suddenly the fact that I did well for Poly means nothing to me. It's kinda hard to explain. Maybe I'm lost. Or maybe I lost myself somewhere.

Maybe it's this super long holiday that I have. A holiday I needed so bad but something that should have ended end of May. I was so sure I'd be in NS right now. But then stuff happens. And I just got stumped. As time wore on I kept wondering. What do I want to do with my life? I like the business world and I don't mind a shot at the IT industry. But I just keep on wondering about my life should I choose anyone of them. I've been through so much shit the last few years. So much negativity I threw out. A new outlook on life. And now I find myself getting pulled back in to that same negativity I had a year ago. And I'm afraid it might happen again in the future.

I'm actually seriously considering running away to some beat-up gym in the US and training to be a prize-fighter. Make it on my own. Alone.

But then I'll be letting so many people down. My family. My friends. And I can't let that happen. My happiness is bound to how my friends and family feel. It's what I care about the most. Leaving them is not something I want to do unless they are all really happy with it.

Had lunch today with Lisda, Nadh and Aqilah. Somehow it got into a serious conversation about what I'm gonna do in the future. And suddenly more questions popped up in my head. And Nadh really called my bluff about what exactly would make me happy. And it made me think.

Do I fight for what I have now? For my friends, my family. Or do I fight for a future which I myself am still uncertain of?

I seriously need to get this out of my system fast. I've had totally no negativity for a whole year. And to get so much rushing back into my head again, it's seriously messing with my head.

So after I got back today, I tried to sort this problem off a little bit and I've at least come to this little conclusion.

Whatever it is, I've decided to go to SMU. It's close enough for me and I got a direct bus. I hate to travel long distances especially if I'm doing it everyday. It's a good enough risk I believe. And I never liked top ranked. Especially in Singapore. Same reason I went to Poly instead of JC. Underdogs rule.

One more thing I've decided is that no matter what, I'll try to join an MMA gym. I'll take the shittiest one available. I've still gotta live my dream a bit don't I? And it's a good way to keep fit too.

Last thing, I'm still gonna go on holiday after I get done with NS.

Now, for the other 200 questions still rolling around in my head about my future...