12:34 AM / 20 May

I've stared here for quite a while wondering what I should write. It's not a case of not knowing what to write. It's a case of not knowing how to my feelings into words. This weekend was pretty much the toughest one of my life. Not that I had to do anything much. It's just that reality hit me. It hit me hard. I didn't have the home I once had. I was never going back to my old home. I was never going to go back to the routines I used to have. The daydreams on the bus rides. The thoughts as I look out my window giving my tired eyes a rest. The sound of my stray cat asking me for food. The sound of people walking by. Going to school or to the market. The wind blowing through my house. The fact that I had a room. Or just a house that I called my own. My own. Not my grandfather's. Not my brother's my own.

My dad says it's a sacrifice we have to take. But how much of a sacrifice is it until it kills you? Until there's nothing more to give. Home is a sacred place. It's the only place where you are made to feel safe. I have nothing against my grandad's place. This place has history. But my memories are not here. They are in my old home.

I guess that really hit me. I woke up not to the sound of the cleaner raking the leaves outside of my window but to the awkward sound of silence. That loss of familiarity just pushed me over the edge. I almost lost it. I have to say, I almost lost myself this weekend. I almost threw myself to the wolves.

In Not Now.Not Never I say "I am a lot of things and a lot of things I am not". And one of those things I am not is emotionally strong. A lot of times, my emotions consume me. And I guess having to break all my routines for this really took it's toll.

There are a lot of people I want to meet. And among those people is my late grandmother on my mother's side. I never met her before. She died shortly before my birth. Which is why I want to meet her. The fact that I never knew her yet I'm tied so closely to her means a lot to me.

They say every dark cloud has it's silver lining. I always look for that every time a rain cloud passes by. And somehow, I have yet to see one. I guess that it doesn't come around too often. Yet somehow I hold on to that thought. I have to trust that there's a silver lining for me. Or else I wouldn't have thrown myself to the wolves.

That's why now, even though I will have Not Now.Not Never in the back of my head, I need something new to push me forward. Something that makes me relish the opportunity to live. I'm not insane. I'm just being me. That's why from now on, until the near future at least, I'll be thinking of silver lines and suicides.